Love Game
by Esmeralda2134
Summary: It started as a game, because both couldn t back down from a challenge. But what happpens when you realize you can t stop playing? How do you cope when your addiction turns into sth serious? Something like love. Friendship and love develope while their world slowly spins out of control. J/S, hints of J/S/L
1. Proving you wrong

_Disclaimer: J.K.R. owns every wonderful harry Potter character. I just have some fun with them._

It started out as an ordinary Friday evening. The Marauders, minus Peter, who had went to owlery to send a letter to his mother, were currently sitting in front of the crackling fire in the Gyffindor common room. James and Sirius were debating what to do while Remus was reading Hogwarts, A History for the thousands time.

" Hey, I´ve got it!", James suddenly shouted. Several students eyed him with curiousity and he quickly lowered his voice. " Let´s play `Who´d top?`again."

" Prongs, my friend, seems like the fire whiskey hasn´t completely destroyed your brain yet.", Sirius said in fake awe while patting James´ back in a supportive manner. " Moony, you´re in?"

" No", Remus answered with a sight. " I won´t EVER discuss with you again if Slughorn would dominate Dumbledore in bed."

"Aw, Moony, you are no fun at all." , James pouted. " Anyways, on with the game. So...what do you say? Frank or Alice?"

"Sirius stole a quick glance at the couple that was about to exit the common room. " Frank, she´s rather insecure. By the way, they are probably headed for the Room of Requirement. We could easily follow them and find out."

James shook his head. " Can´t. I gave my invisibility cloak to Wormy, in case he takes too long to get back from the owlery." " Okay, fine. We can always follow them another time."

" Sirius?", Moony looked at him critically. " You know it´s not right to invade people´s privacy like that, right?" " So?", Sirius laughed. " Since when do I care what´s right or wrong?"

" Right.", Remus mumbled under his breath. " How did I dare to forget that?".

" Moony or McGonagall?" " You can´t be serious! I´m still HERE, you know." Remus complained.

" No, he isn´t. I am." Sirius grinned at his joke, although nobody else seemed to laugh at the line he´d used a million times already. But since Remus was still staring at him angrily, he decided to drop the topic.

" Okay, different couple. Prongs?"

" How about.. Malfoy or Silvana?" " Who´s Silvana?".

James rolled his eyes. " The blond Ravenclaw you shagged in the Potion´s room last year."

" Oh, her. Now I remember. Well, definitely her. Malfoy has no idea where to out that sorry prick of his." Sirius smirked. " Unlike me, of course. My abilities in bed have yet to be _outstripped._ Not that anyone could to do that."

He proudly puffed out his well-toned chest. " They don´t call me sex god for nothing, dude." He took a sip of fire whiskey from the bottle, which he had charmed to look like it contained pumpkin juice, while falling back on the couch again.

" Mate, get a grip." James returned while chuckling like crazy. " No, offence, man, but you only bed the easy birds -they don´t exactly have high expectations. Plus they are so drunk most of the time they hardly realize what´s going on."

" Hey! That´s not true! I am an excellent lover whose skills are highly recognized among the ladies." , Sirius defended himself.

" Oh really?" Didn´t that one chick call you Severus while you were fucking her?" James nearly doubled over with laughter while recalling that fabulous incident he could now forever hold against his best mate. Even Remus couldn´t control himself anymore and his face broke into a wide grin.

Sirius gritted his teeth. " THAT only happened once." , he hissed. " Besides, it´s not my fault Snivellus is trying to copy my hair style.". He crossed his arms in front of his chest, sulking.

This led to a new laughing fit. Pissed off, Sirius grabbed the closest thing to him -which happened to be his Transfiguration book- and threw it at James. Unfortunately he missed and instead hit Remus´ink pot. It broke and the black liquid splattered all over the werewolve´s school robes.

" Oops, sorry Moony", Sirius mumbled, but his lip twitched in amusement. Remus growled at Sirius while repairing the ink pot with a flick of his wand.

"Anyways", James continued the pointless discussion. " the true quality of a lover can only be estimated when pleasing the same lady on regular basis. And according to my Lilyflower, I can do magic with my other wand as well, if you catch my drift." He smiled cockily, then raised his bottle to Sirius, who only responded with a snort.

" Seriously, Prongsie, Lily just doesn´t have any comparison. Let me have a go with her once and I swear, she´ll worship me just like the others. Sorry, Jamie", he blew a kiss in the other boy´s direction. " You just can´t keep up with me in bed." He took the bottle and took a huge gulp.

However, James wasn´t keen on letting Sirirus have the last say in this.

" Yes, I can. In fact, I´m even better than you are, you git." he protested.

" Are not". " Yes, I am" . " No!". " Yes!". " No!"

" Stop it!". Remus once again felt compelled to act as the voice of reason, so he interrupted his friends´bickering. He looked around and noticed the common room was deserted except for the three of them. It had gotten pretty late.

" I´m heading to bed now. But I got as great idea for ´Who´d top?´" Well, maybe he didn´t feel very sensible tonight, but even the prefect deserves to have some fun occasionally, right? That´s why he turned around with a very un-moony-like smirk

. " Why don´t you try to decide who of the two would top?" With that, he left the common room, leaving his two best friends to the discussion of this delicate topic.

There was a moment of silence after Remus left. Then Sirius grabbed the bottle, looked James straight in the eye and claimed: ,, I would never bottom." He wrapped his lips around the bottle neck in a nearly sensual way, gulping down more fire whiskey.

" I´d never want to fuck you.", James replied, but his voice came out a little shaky, because for a brief moment he couldn´t help but imagine how those slightly chapped lips would feel in certain other places. A shiver ran through his body at the thought and he wasn´t quite sure if it was from disgust or something else.

Distracted, James didn´t notice the dangerous glint that crept into Sirius´s eyes. In a swift movement Sirius shifted closer to James. " What?", James asked, as Sirius was now very close to him- too close. He could nearly feel his best friend´s breath on his cheek. James shifted uncomfortably.

" You really don´t believe me, do you?" Onyx black eyes bore into his, daring him to object.

" You should be begging for me to share some of my brilliance with you". He leaned in even closer.

" Stop kidding, Padfoot. You probably suck in bed.". James retorted.

" Is that so?", Sirius whispered huskily. " I guess I´ll just have to prove you wrong."

James swallowed and wondered if Sirius had always looked this predatory before the other boy crushed his lips to his and efficiently cut off all thoughts. James gasped in surprise and Sirius took the opportunity to shove his tongue into James´ mouth, battling for dominance. James responded with equal force.

Between them, everything was a competition, but Merlin, Sirius wasn´t fighting fair the way he bit James´lower lip, the way his tongue stroked against his, the way his hand crept up James´shirt...

James was forcefully thrown back into reality. This was Sirius, his best mate, a guy for god´s sake, and he was snogging him in the common room where everyone could see them. This was wrong on so many levels.

He jerked away from Sirius abruptly. " Are you in your right mind?", he shouted. " What were you thinking, molesting me in the common room?"

Sirius shrugged. " I was merely proving a point. " Then his eyes narrowed. " Molesting, you say? I don´t think you feel molested."

" Yeah I do. You just attacked me out of the blue. It was ..disgusting."

" Oh really? Because I think you liked..loved actually, every fucking minute of it." He pointy looked at James´crotch.

James got up and moved away from Sirius as fast as possible. " That´s a purely biologcal reaction." , he claimed. " I´m not into guys."

Sirius laughed. " Neither am I. But don´t worry, no one can resist me." He stepped closer to James again. " I..I didn´t enjoy it one bit.", James stuttered, unsettled by Sirius´s sudden closeness.

" Prove it.", Sirius purred dangerously. And then he suddenly pushed his pelvis forward, slightly grinding against James, who let a small moan. Sirius grinned triumphantly as he felt James´ hardening cock through his robes.

" I win.", he whispered into James´ear, before biting down on his ear lope.

Then he walked away, leaving a startled James in the common room.

James sunk back down on the coach, running a hand through his messy hair, wondering what the hell he got himself into.

_to be continued..._

_Please excuse grammar and spelling mistakes, since I´not a native English speaker and I don´t post often enough to bother finding a beta._


	2. Lost without you

James had never thought of Sirius as attractive before.

Handsome, yes..well it was impossible not to notice Sirius´physique so many girls swooned over and James had more than once envied his best friend a little bit for the natural grace he carried himself with, his careless elegance, both things James had tried- and failed-hard to achieve.

But not once it had crossed his mind that all these things the female population of Hogwarts was gossiping about would ever seem _alluring _to him as well. Never.

Several weeks had passed since that one, drunken crazy night in the common room and James had tried his hardest to forget about it. Sirius had acted as if nothing had happened the next morning and James was more than glad to go along with the policy of blissful ignorance at first. He wasn´t even sure if Sirius could still remember or if the fire-whiskey had gotten the best out of him in the end, but sometimes Sirius would look at him with that glint in his eyes and James thought he probably knew just as well as James that they had crossed a line that night.

It is because of those little moments James wasn´t entirely certain he was excited for Christmas holidays. Normally he loved Christmas, as it meant no classes, great presents and amazing food. This year, however it also meant no Lily - and a lot of alone time with Sirius." It´s ridiculous to be nervous around your best friend of six and a half years,"James kept telling himself, but that queasy little feeling in his stomach whenever Sirius was near him wasn´t quite convinced, so James quickly became a pro making up excuses to not be alone with Sirius.

Still lost in thought, he didn´t notice the very person he was thinking about entering their bedroom. " Thought I´d do some packing, since we are leaving tomorrow.", Sirius announced his presence.

James nodded absently, the got up form his comfortable four-poster bed. " I was about to leave anyways. I need to take some books back to library.", he mumbled and started heading towards the door.

" I don ´t see any books." " What?" " If you are going to return books, where are they?", Sirius asked, his eyes narrowed at his best friends. " I..I left them in the common room." . It sounded more like a question.

" Seriously, Prongs. I´m not stupid. You´ve been avoiding me lately. And just in case you don´t know, you are the worst liar in the entire effing history of magic." Sirius briefly smiled at his own comment, but his expression turned serious again. He sighed. " Listen, James, if this is about the kiss... I´m sorry, ok? I was drunk and you know me..I can never back down from a challenge."

" It´s okay.", James muttered. " You know..I just...it was arwkward. I didn´t know how to handle the situation. But it´s alright now. I mean, it was a one-time-thing, right?"

" Yeah, of course. I´m glad we sorted this out". Sirius grinned. " Because I don´t indent on spending that much time with Moony in the library ever again. I actually did my history of magic homework last week, can you believe that?"

" You must be pretty lost without me." James laughed.

Then he threw Sirius a sheepish grin. " So..my excuses really sucked, huh?"

" Oh man, you have no idea. You know I´d never believe you´d voluntarily go to a Slug Club meeting? Even if we don´t take into consideration I would have gotten an invitation as well, of course." "Okay, okay, that one was bad, I admit."

" What about the time you claimed you had Quidditch practice? You realize I´m on the team, right?" " Fine." James threw his hands up in defeat. " My excuses suck. Now let´s start packing."

* * *

The scarlet train came to a slow stop, its brakes screaching and smoke billowing from its wheels.

As soon as the doors opened, two boys stormed off the train, quickly pushing their trunks through the crowd of waiting parents. " Where are your parents?", teh taller one asked his friends while looking around frantically. " I told them to wait in front of the barrier, so we could make a quick exit.", James answered Sirius´ question.

Sirius nodded. " Good thinking". They hurried towards the exit. " Thank Merlin THEY are never..." Hr stopped mid-sentence, a look of horror in his dark eyes. " On time." he finished barely audible.

Right in front of the barrier stood Walpurga and Orion Black.

James could feel Sirius´entire body become rigid as his parents directed their cold glare at their oldest son. He put a supporting arm around Sirius´shoulders, but his best friend didn´t seem to notice.

" Sirius", his mother said, her voice sickly saccharine. " What a pleasure to see you."

" Mother, Sirius chocked out. His face had turned pale.

" And you must be James Potter." Walpurga looked at the boy beside her son. " So kind of your family to take in my son when he decided to dishonour his family. Only people without any sense of pride or dignity could have done that for the little blood traitor." Her smile had turned truly vicious now.

James balled his fists and opene dhis mouth to retort, but Sirius was faster.

" I dishonoured the family?", he asked, his eyes burning with a rage more powerful than James had ever seen.

" This family didn´t have any honour to start with. What´s honourable about being a little back-stabbing whore, mother, who had to marry her sister´s fiance after he knocked her up? And father, how honourable is it to always crawl in the dirt in front of powerful and important people, on hope of getting one small shred of power you yourself could never gain. We all know you bribed the minister for the Order of Merlin."

He spit on teh ground. " Trust me, you know nothing of DIGNITY.", he yelled.

And then he looked his father straight in the eye. The same look of outright hate was reflected in both men´s eyes. For a moment James mused how it was possible for two men to be so similiar yet so word shaking different from one another.

" How do you dare to talk to me like that?", Orion snarled furiously. " You´ll pay for that, you dirty little scum." And he raised his wand, pointing it directly at Sirius´face. Sirius raised his chin defiantly, but James could swear he saw fear flash in his best friend´s eyes for a second. before Walpurga put a hand on Orion´s sleeve.

" Not in public", she hissed. Then she stalked off to the platform. her husband slowly lowered his wand and after one last glare, he followed his wife.

James let out a sight of relief as the older Blacks disappeared in the crowd.

He looked at Sirius who was still rooted to the spot, staring at the bricks of the barrier. As he noticed James´glance, he turned around to face him.

" Well, you´ve met my parents. charming, aren´t they?" James knew Sirius was trying to play it down, but Sirius´expression as his father threatened him was edged into his memory wiith a sharp razor blade.

He wanted nothing more than to make sure his best friend would never look that way again.

" They aren´t your family" , he whispered. " Not anymore, I guess." , Sirius replied while intensly staring at his shoes. he nearly tripped as James pulled him into a fierce hug.

" You´ll always have me.", he mumbled. Sirius didn´t reply, but merely hugged James back with crushing force. So they stood, a tangle of limbs and messy black hair.

When they let go of each other, Sirius quickly composed himself, but James notice diwth relief that the hauned look in Sirius´eyes had vanished.

" Let´s go find your parents", Sirius said. " Our parents", James corrected him. Sirius grateful smile was the most brilliant thing he´d seen in a very long time.

Because Sirius, outgoing, smart, funny, charming Sirius usually was like the star he was named for. Always shining and sparkling and enchanting, but also distant and untouchable in it´s beauty.

That smile, however, was a ray of sunlight in its honesty, warming him to the core.


	3. Stay

Sirius sat on the window sill, watching as the thunderstorm whipped the trees outside around violently. Rain drops were splattering against the cold glass and obscured the world beyond with a damp veil.

The rain had turned the snow into dirty slush. The pure winter wonderland of Christmas had transformed into an ill-starred fairytale. One without a happy ending.

A stroke of lightning briefly illuminated the dark night, showing the destructive force of the storm.

Sirius could make out the shape of an uprooted tree, hanging in balance between two other trees. It would never grow leaves again, Sirius mused. Or roots. It was already dying, slowly rotting away. Uprooted. Jut like him.

He hadn´t thought it would be this hard. He had never regretted running away, but he hadn´t grasped until now that this was an All-or- nothing thing. That his departure hadn´t only separated him from the people he hated most in the world, but that it would burn down the bridges to the only person that had ever truly meant something to him before James came along. His brother. Not the one he´d chosen for himself, but the one he was tied to by the bonds of blood. Regulus.

His hands gripped the parchment harder, nearly crunching it in his fist. The frail parchment betrayed the power of its message. He forced himself to read it again. There was no way to deny this. Disinheritance papers. Sirius officially didn´t belong to the not-so-noble but-very-ancient-House of Black anymore. Not as long as they had at least one male ancestor to carry on their name.

Normally Sirius wouldn´t have cared much. He would have called for James and they´d have snuck a bottle of firewhiskey from the cabinett in the Potter´s basement and they´d have toasted to this delightful event and his parents´ stupidity. He didn´t have to worry about money either, his uncle Alphard had left him plenty. But things weren´t normal.

Voldemort had gained more and more power and popularity among the pure-bloods and he had demanded a tribute from every family that wanted to support him- their oldest son´s loyalty.

Sirius had thought the Blacks would be excluded from that rule as their oldest son clearly wasn´t interested in joining Voldemort´s lot, as Voldemort had specifically requested the oldest son and he didn´t do second best.

But starting today, the Blacks only had one son. A son that woud willingly fullfill Voldemort´s demands. Unless...

Sirius now realized he´d unconsciously struck a bargain with the devil back then. His freedom for his brother´s soul. And that was something he couldn´t live with. So he started packing.

* * *

That was how James found him, throwing things into his trunk, brows furrowed and lips pressed together in a thin line. What are you doing?, James shouted, staring disbelievingly at the mess Sirius had created.

"I´m leaving.". Sirius soundly snapped his trunk shut and started dragging it towards the door. Wait, what?, James moved, blocking the doorway. Where are you going?

" Back", ´Sirius grit out. " Now move out of my way!. " No!". James gripped Sirius upper arms to stop him from moving. Sirius tried to shrug him off, but his best friend held him steady. " Why?", he asked, his shaking voice betraying his confident posture.

"I have to. There is no other way. " He tried to get past James again without success. "I don´t believe that. No other way for what?", James asked, locking eyes with Sirius.

" To save Regulus form HIM." The words had slipped out before Sirius could help it and he instantly regretted them as he looked into James´incredulous face.

" No.", James´voice was determined. " You won´t join him, Sirius."

"I don´t exactly have a choice here.", Sirius growled. "It´s me or Regulus, don´t you see?"

James didn´t react to that. " I won´t let you", he said. James´hands had become vice-like claws on his arms.

" YOU CAN`T GO TO HIM!", he yelled. It took all of Sirius´strengh to break away from James, and from the happy, comfortable life he represented. But he had to.

He quickly picked up his trunk and shoved past James.

" Stay." The despair in his best friend´s voice nearly killed him. He wanted James to understand why he was doing this. He at least owned him an explanation.

"I can´t. It´s my fault he´s in that position. I did this to Regulus, James. When I left him. I could have taken him with me, but I didn´t. I could have convinced him..."

He turned around and started dragging his trunk down the stairs. James followed him slowly.

Sirius forced himself to not turn around as he made his way to the door. "Sirius." His name tumbled over James´lips, a broken, desperate sound and Sirius moved without thinking. He turned around and pulled James into a fierce hug.

" It will be okay.", he tried to reassure his best friend. " No. No, it won´t be." . They were close now, so close that their foreheads nearly touched. " I´ve seen what they´ve done to you.", James hissed. Sirius inhaled sharply. They never talked about that night, it was an unspoken rule between them. Why did James have to start this now?

"The night you ran away you were barely conscious because of your dad´s caning and your mother´s Crucios! Can you even imagine how it felt to see you like this? How worried I was?", he yelled.

Sirius was about to retort angrily when he saw a single tear slip from James´eyes. "I have to go.", he mumbled. "Go?", James abruptly let go of him. "I can´t believe you´re doing this! Have you thought about it at all? How Regulus, your precious brother, has treated you? That he has barely spoken a word to you since you left? ", He shock his head violently. " He doesn´t fucking care, Sirius. He stopped a long time ago. You couldn´t have saved him. He´ll join Voldemort no matter what you do. Because he isn´t like you."

" He is my brother, James.", Sirius said. " I have to do this."

"No, No you don´t. Regulus enjoys all this Slytherin crap, don´t you see? He wants this. He can survive this and maybe he´ll some day understand. But you, you won´t be able to torture and kill people. You would do something reckless and stupid and you will die." Tears streamed down James´face now and he didn´t even bother to wipe them away as they left trails on his cheeks.

"Don´t sacrifice yourself for this, Sirius. Please don´t." , he sobbed. Sirius didn´t know what to do. He had to protect Regulus, but he couldn´t just leave his best friend like this. He ran a hand through his hair as he desperately tried to figure out what to do.

" If you go to him, I´ll come with you." James voice was suddenly sharp as a knife and its ice-cold blade pierced Sirius´unsuspecting heart. " What?", he spluttered. " James, this is ridiculous. You can´t!".

I can and I will. We can figure a way out together later. But I won´t fight you. I will not be the auror that points his wand into your face and hands you over to the dementors. I´ll always be on your side, even if it´s the wrong one.

James´face was so determined that Sirius had not even the slightest doubt he had made his mind up about this. And the moment James pushed down the handle to leave the house, Sirius knew he had to stay.

He could see images flashing in front of his inner eyes, images of Regulus on the ground, bathed in his own blood, his eyes staring accusingly at him even in death, but none of the scenarios his mind made up were as frightening or as horrible as the idea of James´ death. He wouldn´t risk James´life for Regulus, wouldn´t sacrifice the person that would always stick with him for the one that resented him for his decisions.

" I´m staying.", Sirius said and he coudln´t help but feel overwhelming gaditude that James had forced him to make this decision.

"Good." , James let out a deep breath. "Because, you know, I heard that Voldemort guy isn´t the nicest fellow around." They shared a shaky laugh.

" We should bring your trunk back upstairs. No need to tell mum and dad about this.", James said, breaking the silence. " Yeah", Sirius mumbled and together they carried the trunk back upstairs. The storm outside had calmed down and Sirius opened the window to let in some fresh air.

" James?", he questioned. " Yeah?". " I...". Sirius didn´t know how to express how grateful he was to have a friend like James, so he just muttered . " Thank you."

And then their eyes met and suddenly James was hugging Sirius and Sirius was hugging him back with crashing force. They stumbled back against the wall and Sirius molded his body into James as he pressed him against the wall and James tangled his fingers in Sirius´hair. They had never been so close before physically but it didn´t matter, didn´t matter because they were always just this close. James and Sirius. They weren´t just alike, they had fused to two different sides of the same thing. They dind´t complement each other, but they were complete together.

And Sirius coudln´t help to need to be even closer, to intensify their physical connection. So when he pressed his lips to James´this time, it was delibarate. And James didn´t hesitate to respond this time, but eagerly opened his lips to Sirius. And Sirius licked James´lower lip and pushed his tonge into his mouth. This time they didn´t fight for dominace and James willingly let Sirius take the lead as his talented tongue explored his mouth, sending shivers down his body.

James´hands started to wander over Sirius´chest, as the other walked them back towards the bed. Sirius took James´hands and pushed him down on the covers. He left James´mouth and started trailing butterfly kisses down his neck. James moaned as Sirius found a sensitive spot behind his ear and Sirius smiled. He wanted to give pleasure to James, to show him how grateful he was. And it felt good, so fucking good to be this close, to hold him and feel him pressed against his body. It didn´t matter they were both boys, Sirius did this with many girls before but this was different because it was James and it wasn´t just about mindless sex and a quick relief. This was better.

Their clothes suddenly felt terribly out of place, so Sirius unbuttoned James´shirt as James yanked Sirius´jumper over his head. Sirius kissed each inch of skin he revealed and James arched into his touch. He moaned again as Sirius traced his nipples with his tongue. James´skin felt great under his lips, but he needed to see him, so he went back to kissing him and it was wet and desperate with eyes wide open, seeing themselves in each other´s eyes.

And as James ground his hips into Sirius´tight, he could feel his best friend was just as aroused as he was . He slowly moved his hand to James´crotch, touching his cock through the denim of his jeans.

James´breath hitched for a second and then he pushed himself against Sirius´hand, trying to get more friction. Sirius ran his hand down James´length a few times and then quickly unbuttoned James´pants and pulled the zipper down. He hesitated for a moment. Were they really going to do this? The decision was taken out of his hands as he felt James´ lips on his chest and he realized he couldn´t even stop if he wanted to. He was too desperate for closeness and honesty and happiness, too desperate for J_ames._ He nearly growled as James´dipped his tongue in his belly button on his dangerous trail south. He quickly discarded Sirius´trousers.

James pushed down the fabric of Sirius´boxers and then looked up at his best friend triumphantly. "Who´s irresistible now?", he whispered, his warm breath ghosting over Sirius´erection. "Get off my back., Potter.", Sirius replied, but at the same time he groaned because he was so fucking hard and James was still taunting him with his hot, warm breath. "Really, Sirius?", James asked and then he smirked. "I´d rather be getting off with you."

Sirius wanted to double over laughing because it probably was the worst pun ever, but he was thinking with his other head and that one was definitely interested, so he only bit James´lip, hard, as he gripped his cock and started stroking it. James tugged his boxers down to give Sirius´hand more room, but his best friend had other things in mind.

He suddenly flipped them over so he was on top of James. They were so close now, chest to chest, hip to hip, naked. Sirius ground his arching cock into James´hip and James immediately responded by pushing back. They quickly established a rhythm and it felt natural and easy like everything with James. Soon their movements became ungraceful and frenzied, both moaning and groaning, desperately seeking release.

Sirius could feel his orgasm building up and he locked eyes with James, grinned and said: "Get off with me then, Jamie." James smirked back, his face carrying this" mischief managed" look he wore so often, and this expression which was so typically James made Sirius tumble over the edge. "Oh fuck, Jamie", he growled as he came all over James who moaned his name as he orgasmed.

One moment of complete bliss, soon to be tarnished by the crahsing force of reality.


	4. The morning after

_I know this is way to short, butI´m in the process of writing graduation exams, so I didn´t have time for more. PLease forgive me and I hope you´ll enjoy it nevertheless._

* * *

Sirius woke up to the shocking realization of what James and he had done last night.

" I'm just not going to think about this", he muttered, trying to block all thought from his mind.

He looked over at his best friend, who was still sleeping peacefully, hastily pulled on his clothes and sneaked out of the room. He walked down the stairs and through the back door.

Sirius absently fingered his last pack of cigarettes out of his jeans pocket and lit one with shaking fingers. He inhaled a deep breath and sighed. All he wanted was to just enjoy this one moment of peace, but it was too fucking much. His mind was a mess and there was Regulus' face twisted in agony, blending in with James' face, twisted in ecstasy, mocking him, screaming at him : WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

And what was he doing? Not even a day ago, his life had been nearly normal for once. Now, his brother was a Death eater and his best friend had had pity sex with him. Or as whatever you could describe what they'd done. His mind was spinning with confusion and doubt so fast he felt nauseous. He was falling and falling but there was no safety net, because he'd ripped it the moment he pressed his traitorous lips on James'. How could he still ask James for support after what happened?

The door behind him cracked as James pushed it open. "There you are", he said as he leaned against to cold stone wall next to Sirius. "I thought you'd left for good when I couldn't find you". Sirius watched as James nervously ran his fingers through his hair and quickly averted his eyes as James glanced in his direction.

The silence between them was tense and uncomfortable. Sirius counted the cobblestones of the path leading through the Potter's garden to ignore their looming silence which all but screamed at him that they needed to talk about this. He had reached 134 by the time James cleared his throat and barely audibly mumbled: "So…should we talk about ….last night?"

The raven haired boy briefly wondered if he could just stay standing here for some more time, counting the cobblestones as his problems miraculously would dissolve. Maybe somewhere between 284 and 393 James would just point his wand at him in annoyance for his lack of response and obliviate them both, so they could go back to being friends. But Sirius knew that wasn't going to happen, so he turned around and faced James. Besides, he had lost count anyways.

" I suppose we have to. ", he replied. "I'm just not sure I can deal with this right now." ,he confessed. James nodded understandingly. "Hey, why don't we just pretend this never happened?", he asked. "Last night was an…emergency. And in emergency cases special rules apply. So what happened was just a reaction to this special situation. Nothing unusual about people behaving a little bit off in a situation like this. ", he exclaimed in a rush.

Sirius knew this probably wasn't the best way to deal with this, but James' easy solution of things was incredibly appealing, so he nodded his head in agreement.

"Yeah. Just an emergency case. Won't happen again." " Good." , James smiled at him in relief. " Glad we got that out of the way." He leaned over to pull Sirius in a quick hug, but abruptly stopped and held out his hand instead. Sirius shook it, but the moment their hands touched, he couldn't help but remember that not even a day ago this hand had been wrapped around his cock and he let go as fast as possible. He noticed James was blushing ,so he could only estimate the other boy had been thinking along the same line. " Will take some time to get over the awkwardness, huh?", Sirius asked. " Yeah, probably.", James sighed. " But we'll manage. Can´t be worse than the time I walked in on my mum and dad."

They both laughed at that and walked back towards the house. ' Good that we can go back to just being friends.', Sirius thought, but as he watched the fading crest of a love bite he´d left on James´neck, he wasn´t quite certain he believed himself.


	5. this feeling

Sometimes he had this weird feeling. The lingering sense that something was wrong, but he couldn´t quite put his finger on what it was. Like he was trying to solve a huge puzzle and although the pieces fit together perfectly, the image was bizarre somehow, mocking and taunting him with an utter sense of falseness he could feel, but not grasp. Something was definitely and undoubtedly _off._

However, James normally wasn't one to dwell on feeling like that, so he tried to push it from his mind. After all, he had no reason to worry. He was the happiest he'd ever been. Lily had finally agreed to be with him and the last 5 month with her had been amazing. He´d even call them magnificent, but even the imaginary Sirius in his head cocked an eyebrow at that, clearly questioning his sexuality

He was sitting by the lake with Lily, letting the first sun rays of an early spring warm his face. He sighed contendly. This year, he was sure, would become the best one of his life. If it only wasn't for this feeling...

" James?", Lily's voice interrupted his train of thoughts. " What is it, Honey?", he asked, still slightly distracted. " I just asked you for the third time if you want to spend the extended weekend at my place?". " Will your sister be there?", he asked. "'Cause I know she hates the living hell out of me." James truly was terrified by the prospect of being in the same room as Lily's sister. The last time he had only narrowly escaped the vase she threw at him.

" No, Petunia and my parents are going to Nottingham to meet her fiancé's parents, so we'd have to house to ourselves.", she suggestivly lowered her voice for the last part. He grinned and pressed his lips against hers, confirming her plans with a searing kiss. He could feel her smile against his lips as she responded eagerly. In moments like this, he was hardly noticing the odd feeling. It faded with the softness of Lily's hair and the warmth of her mouth.

* * *

James kept sitting at the water's edge long after Lily had left to write her charms essay, enjoying the sunny weather as well as tempting thoughts about what Lily and he could do on the weekend. He didn't notice Sirius approaching and forcefully snapped out of his pleasant musings as his best friend gracefully sat down next to him.

" What have you been up to?", Sirius asked. " I saw Lily come back inside about an hour ago". " Nothing really.", James replied. " Just enjoying the sun" ..._and some very intimate thoughts.._But Sirius didn't need to know that.

" What about you?". " I was in the library". " WHAT? Don't tell me you actually wrote the charms essay, you traitor." James looked at his friend in disbelief. " We had a DEAL about that".

" Relax, Prongs", Sirius grinned. " I didn't study Charms...although my wand was definitely involved, if you catch my drift." James just rolled his eyes. " Jealous?", Sirius enquired. " Not getting any from our favourite redhead?"

" She just doesn't want to..you know..in school", James responded, clearly not comfortable with the question. " After that one time Snievellus nearly walked in on us...oh stop smirking, you bastard. We are going to her place for the weekend. Her parents are gone..so it will be just us."

" Hot", Sirius laughed, " But not the plan". " Why not?". " Because we promised to throw Marlene a birthday party at my place, remember?" " We promised that?". " Well, actually I did. But you said you'd help me choose furniture and everything. Turns out I need these things until Saturday night. But that's alright, we still have two days to set everything up."

" Are you crazy?", James complained. He saw all his brilliant sexy Lily-filled weekend dreams vanish, replaced by endless hours _alone with Sirius._" We'll come to the party, but you can sort the rest on your own. Or ask Moony and Pete to help you." " No". James watched with concern as Sirius' face became determined. He knew that look meant danger. Danger of giving in to Sirius' wishes. Padfoot ended up getting what he wanted pretty much all of the time.

The other boy looked at him. " Look, I know you don't want to do this...but it would only be Friday and Saturday. You'd still have Sunday all alone with Lily. And this is really important to me. My own flat."

Damn, he sounded so sincere, with a bit of disappointment in the end. James would have felt guilty if he hadn't known what a great actor his best friend was. So he shook his head. " Sorry. Not convinced."

" Fine". Sirius shuffled closer to James and draped an arm around his shoulders. "Please?" " No!", James growled. Suddenly Sirius was close, very very close and James realized with a jolt that he had forgotten Sirius' most perfected strategy of persuasion: seduction. He wasn't going to try THAT on him, was he?

" Jamie", Sirius mumbled. " Please?" . James could feel Sirius' warm breath ghosting across his cheek. He gritted his teeth and shook his head. Warm fingers gently turned his head into his best friend's direction, so he was forced to look into his eyes. " This matters to me. I want my best friend to be part of it.", Sirius said softly. " Please, Prongs?" James swallowed. He and Sirius hadn't been this close since their " Emergency night", as he had mentally filed away this event, and he had refrained from any form of physical contact with Sirius the best he could for the better of the last three month. The awkwardness had disappeared slowly, but now it was back with full force.

His skin burned where Sirius touched it and he coudln't withstand his stare. He looked away and he knew that he was admitting defeat. " Fine", he murmured. Sirius sensed victory and went for it. " What was that, Prongs.?", he asked, " Did you just agree?". " You corrupted me into agreeing once again, but fine, I'll help you.", James muttered grumpily.

" Excellent. I will immediately inform Pete his assistance won't be required anymore." , Sirius smiled smugly " Got you again, Prongs". He even winked at him as he stood up.

" Bastard", James snarled. Sirius bent down. " Thank you, _Jamie" ,_ he whispered, his lips nearly touching the shell of James' ear. James speechlessly watched Sirius walk away. He couldn't believe he had fallen for his best friend's tricks like a 5th year with a crush.

Helping Sirius was alright. Not alright was that he'd been this affected by his best friend's closeness. Probably just because his head had been filled with erotic images of Lily. It was impossible this had anything to do with Sirius. Their "emergency night" had been a one time thing which had only happened because of the situation they'd been in. He wasn't attracted to his best friend. Not at all.

That's what he told himself as he walked back to the castle. In momenst like this, the weird feeling was nearly suffocating. It clawed it's way back in with promises of dark hair and even darker eyes.


	6. Jealousy?

It was way past midnight as Sirius dropped on his new coach next to James. The party was a huge sucess, but what else was to expect since it was hosted by the famous maurauders? Marlene had been overjoyed they had kept their promise and their other Hogwarts friends seemed impressed as well.

" Great Party, right?", Sirius turned to his best friend. " I bloody hope so", James grinned. " I gave up an entire weekend of sex for it!"

" You are a true friend, Prongsie", Sirius slurred. ruffling James' hair. " A true friend."

" Hey!", James protested. " You are ruining my hair style." "Your..your hair style?", Sirius spluttered while nearly falling of the coach because he was laughing so hard. " You used to do that ALL the time."

" I know", his best friend smiled sheepishly. " Turned out Lily likes it better straight." " Are you really surprised?", Sirius smirked. " She used to be into Snievellus and his greasy hair is about the only thing about him that's _straight. So I'm not.." _He was interrupted however, as James tackled him to the floor.

" What's the matter?", he complained. " It's not my fault your girlfriend doesn't have taste in men."

" You are a fucking twat, Padfoot", James exclaimed, but he was grinning. " I spent an entire weekend painting and furnishing this place and all I get is a stupid insult?" He pursed his lips and pretended to sulk.

" Aw Jamie", Sirius said , throwing an arm around his best friend. " I know you just loved helping me. Besides, you had your chance at revenge when you tried to paint my bedroom bright pink! Really" , he shook his head. " As if I wouldn't notice in time."

" Wouldn't make a difference.", James grinned. " It's not like anyone would follow you in there volunteeringly. I, on the other hand, am going to have lovely company tonight." With that, he grabbed a surprised Lily, who was having a conversation nearby, and pulled her down to him.

" James", she giggled. " What are you doing?" He answered her question with a kiss and she responded eagerly.

Sirius slowly withdrew his arm from around James and looked the other way. An unconfortable feeling developed in his stomach as he thought of the happy couple. Why did it bother him so much to see James and Lily kissing? After all, it was a perfectly normal thing to do and he wasn't excatly known for puplic decency anyways.

If he was completely honest with himself, he had to admit that he was a little jealous. Not because he wanted to kiss James, mind you. But because he suddenly wasn't the most important person in James' life anymore. Because James was the only family he had. And maybe because a girl that hadn't even so much as looked at his best friend a year ago might be able to take it all away from him.

Ridiculous, he scolded himself. That had to be the firewhiskey talking. He was Sirius Black, for god's sake and he wasn't one to spend a party sitting around and bathing in self- pity like some ordinary girl.

So he got up, took a deep gulp of firewhiskey and walked over to Marlene and her friend Alice. " Ladies", he drawled." what about a kiss for the host?". They laughed and Marlene drunkenly hugged him. Through the curtain of her dark hair, he could still see Lily and James cuddled together. James caught his glance and smiled, giving him thumps up.

As Sirius tightended his arms around Marlene, his skin still burned where he had touched James before.


	7. Alone  with you? Part 1

James arrived in the common room, completely distraught. His eyes scanned the crowd, finally making out a head of black silky hair belonging to his best friend. He approached him and gently tapped his shoulder. ''Can we go somewhere and talk?" . Sirius looked surprised, but nodded when he noticed the look on James' face. "Let's go".

Together they left the common room and walked down the grand staircase towards the entrance hall. "Where do you want to go?" "Outside". Sirius looked at him skeptically. James knew why. It was freaking cold outside. April had arrived with a sudden draft of snow and rain, efficiently keeping all students inside and off the grounds -which was exactly why James wanted to go. He didn't want to see anyone, because he wasn't certain he'd be able to control himself once they started talking. Also, he didn't want to risk running into the last person he wanted to see right now. " Please, Padfoot." Sirius must have realized his desperation, as he didn't protest anymore but silently followed him through the huge door. They walked side by side for a while and James was struggling how to best start this conversation. He felt a burning ache in his chest when he was thinking about what had happened. He still couldn't quite believe it. Just yesterday everything had been perfectly alright and now he was standing here in the pouring rain that was disguising the tears daring to escape his eyes. How had it come to this?

James looked at his best friend. The other boy had taken shelter from the rain by standing under a huge oak tree and was now staring at him questionably. "Prongs?", Sirius sounded concerned. " What's wrong?". James swallowed. " It's Lily." " What happened? Is she alright?" , his best friend asked concerned. James shook his head slowly. " We..we broke up." , he stammered, his voice shaking with hardly suppressed agony. "What?", Sirius looked at him in utter disbelief. " But you were so happy." ´"I know.", James could hardly force out the words. He ran his hand through his hair in despair. "I fucked up, Sirius. I ruined it and now I lost her. After all this time, she finally wants to be with me and I go and screw everything." He collapsed on the dirty ground, not caring as the water began to soak his clothes. Right now he wouldn't mind if the water just kept floating,washing away all the bitter thoughts and sweet memories, leaving him blank.

Sirius kneeled down beside him. " I don't get it. You had a fight, okay. That can be fixed. You'll talk about it and it will be fine." James laughed bitterly. For once he knew Sirius was completely wrong. The damage was done and couldn't be fixed that easily. He had hurt Lily, and she wouldn't forgive him just like that. " James?", his best friend was obviously worried now. " I'm really trying to understand here, but please tell me what went wrong and we can figure something out. Okay?" James looked up and seeing Sirius' dark eyes filled with so much concern was what finally did him in. Sobs started to shake his body as he started to explain.

" Everything was going just fine.", he began. " Lily and I were just hanging out and everything was okay. Then, suddenly, she got all serious. Talking about the future and what to do with our lifes after Hogwarts and everything. And she asked me what I'm thinking. And I, idiotically, said I haven't thought about it. And I didn't realize how she took that but suddenly she was crying and she said she wanted a future with me and she thought I wanted the same thing. But apparently she was wrong . So I tried to explain it to her , telling her I'm just not ready to make commitments like that now and that we still have time to figure things out, but it got out all wrong and then she said I didn't love her enough if I hadn't thought about the future with her and that she couldn't be with me because it would hurt her too much. And then..then she left."

He had rushed to get everything out, but now he felt empty, because telling Sirius made it real. It wasn't just some bad dream and Lily still had broken up with him and maybe he hadn't made plans for the future, but now he couldn't imagine one without her in it. Sirius had listened to him silently and was now stroking his back comfortingly. James leant into Sirius' touch, his warm hand the only thing he could feel through the numbness that had spread through his body and heart the moment Lily had turned her back on him.

After a while, Sirius spoke again. "You want a future with Lily, right?" " Of course", James replied without hesitating. "I love her, Sirius. You know I do." "Then, mate, you'll figure it out. Tell Lily you want the exact same thing she wants. And give her some time. She'll come around." James sighed. "I really hope you are right about this. She looked really, really hurt." " If you love someone, you'll come back to them no matter what.", Sirius said confidently, but James noticed a rather wistful look upon his best friend's face. However, he chose not to ask. If something was going on, Sirius would tell him. " So..do you want to go back inside?", Sirius asked. James nodded and took the hand Sirius offered to pull him up.

"Padfoot?" " Yeah?" " Thank you". " No problem. You know.." James noticed Sirius hesitating. " I'll always be there for you." James felt jolt of affection towards his best friend because he just had to look at him to see the truth of Sirius' words. Raindrops were running over his face, water was dripping off his hair and down his body, completely soaking him, but his lips were curved into a soft smile. His eyes, however were blazing fiercely with a fire only he possessed and James could feel the flames burning away the numbness. And so he held on to Sirius' hand longer than necessary as they made their way back to the castle. The sadness because of the break-up still was present, but it wasn't suffocating him anymore. Maybe he wouldn't be happy without Lily. But with Sirius, he at least was sure he would survive.


	8. Alone with you Part 2

I'm really sorry, I know it always takes me ages to update. I just started university and I've been really busy. Still, I hope you enjoy this chapter:)

* * *

Sirius had been worrying lately. The last three weeks, James had been different. Not in the obvious, messed up way one would expect after a breakup, but in a subtle, albeight more distressing way. James hadn't been crying or drinking, he hadn't started shouting or punching holes in walls that equaled the hole in his chest. Instead, he had just gone on with business, predenting like nothing had happened. He participated in classes, he aced at quidditch practice, he laughed and smiled and talked in all teh right times, he pranked Snivellus and even flirted with other girls. James didn't even act like he was getting over Lily, it appeared as if she'd never existed.

James was a great actor, Sirius knew that. Sometimes he was acting so well even Sirius was wondering if he was overreacting, if maybe James was okay after all, but then he caught Moony's confused glance over James' shoulder and he knew he wasn't imagening things. Because James couldn't fool him. Because he was noticing how James' smile never reached his eyes anymore and how he'd stare at Lily's back in class when he felt like no one was watching. Because James was hollow, hollow as if his utter longing for a pair of green eyes, long, auburn curls and gentle smiles had sucked out his spirit, leaving nothing but a mecanically acting shell.

And then there were these times when James couldn't be found. When he just disappeared for hours, later claiming that he'd been in the library or on the quídditch pitch. It was one of these times now. Sirius had been sitting in the common room for over an hour now, waiting for James to finally reappear. Remus and Peter had gone to bed long ago, but Sirius had refused to move, determined to wait for him to talk to him. He wasn't having any of this, he had decided. He couldn't watch James fade away more very day. Looking at the clock again, he decided he had waited long enough. Pulling out the marauders' map, he quickly checked it for James' name, but he couldn't find it anywhere. That could mean only two things: Either James had left school grounds or he was in the Room of Requirement. Sirius decided he'd take his chances and try the Room of Requirement. He quickly stuffed the map back into his robes and made his way out of the portrait.

As he arrived at the tapestry hiding the Room of Requirement, he was wondering how he'd get the room to show him James's hideway. He tried " Show me where James goes" and vice versa, but without sucess. Maybe this was more about what James might be doing inside. Suddenly Sirius had an idea. " Remind me of Lily", he thought as he wandered past the door three times. As he opened his eyes again, the door had appeared. Sirius carefully pushed it open and entered the room.

At first, he was taken back by the beauty of the room. The high ceiling, the light wooden floors and the double glazed windows extending to the floor brightened the room. Sunlight filtered into the room, tinted red and orange by the leaves of a tree in front of the window. The walls were covered with book shelfs, the few pieces of furniture arranged tastefully, fitting in with the atmosphere. The whole room had the feeling of an indian summer and Sirius could immiditaly see Lily living here. The room of requirement had outdone itself. The room was overwhelmingly like Lily, although he had never realized he'd associate these things with her. It even smelled faintly of her perfume.

And as he stepped fully into the room, he knew he had been right about James, because in the center of the room, his best friend sat motionless on a chair, a photograph in his hands.

Sirius cleared his throat, suddenly reluctant to intrude on this intimate moment. Still, he had come here to talk and seeing James like this proved that it was definitely necessary. " Hey stranger", he said. " So this is where you are running away to?".

His best friend looked at him in surprise. " How'd you find me?". "Oh, come on, James. I knew things weren't okay. And there weren't that many options."

" And...you found out what I ask the room to do for me?", James asked, blushing. " To remind you of her, I suppose", Sirius shrugged. " But that's why I'm here. Why didn't you say anything about this, James?"

James averted his eyes. " I was ashamed. I mean, shit, look around you. It's pathetic, isn't it? To go somewhere where I'm constantly reminded of her.", he replied.

"Rather masochistic, I'd say.", Sirius retorted. James chuckled bitterly at this. " Probably, yes.", he agreed. Sirius felt his heart swell with pity as he watched his best friend slumped on the chair, everything about him screaming defeat. He had to get James out of this. James was his light, and when it was dimmed like this, his life felt darker, too. He needed James and his happiness, because it was the only kind of true happiness he'd ever experienced, all those years ago when James had become his first real friend, the first person he could rely on. And now that his best friend needed him, he planned to give him back some of the happiness he'd stolen from him over the years.

" Listen, mate, we need to talk. But I think for that a change of setting is required." James only nodded and the room changed into a smaller version of the Gryffindor common room on Sirius' demand. James' chair had morphed into a comfy coach and Sirius sat down beside him.

" So..what is it?", James asked. " It's you. Ever since Lily broke up with you, you've been behaving weird." "So what? I am dealing with it, Sirius. It's okay, I'm fine. I just have some weak moment, alright?", James answered defensivly.

"Some weak moments? Are you kidding me, Prongs?", Sirius asked in disbelief. " I know you, I know you better than anyone. Don't you think I can see through that act you put up?Fuck, I didn't expect you to be okay after she ended things, but at least stop pretending everything's fine, because it's not. You are lying to yourself if you believe that. Acknowledge you have a problem and we can deal with this."

" I can't, okay? I really, really can't.", James said desperatly. " It hurts so fucking much that it's killing me, every single time I see her and she looks the other way. And I have to keep pretending, otherwise I'll fall apart and I really don't want people to witness that."

" You don't to hide with me.", Sirius responded. " I know", James mumbled. " I guess I was embarrassed this is getting to me so much."

" No need to be", Sirius retorted. " Come on, Prongs, you've seen me at my lowest more than once and you've always been the best friend I could imagine then." " Thanks", James whispered. They fell silent for a while.

Sirius thought of all the times - and there'd been many- James had been there for him. He remembered how James had taken him in when he had shown up at his doorstep in the middle of the night, covered in blood. He remembered how James had stayed up with him all night when he couldn't sleep because the nightmares were haunting him. He remembered how James had stopped him from going to Voldemort and how he'd kissed him afterwards, filling him with hope again.

" Let me return the favor, please", he said. " You've helped me through so much. It there's anything I can do to make you feel better.."

" Just...just be here with me, okay?" James responded. " It..it takes away the numbness when you...", he blushed and didn't finish his sentence. " It helps when I what?", Sirius asked, confused. " It helps when you touch me, okay? It makes me feel...warm somehow." James mumbled. His face was deep-red now.

Sirius looked at his best friend and it was sympathy and gratitude and something else he couldn't quite explain that made him lean closer to James, much, much closer. He missed his best friend, missed the spark in his eyes so desperately he would do anything to bring it back. And suddenly a thought crossed his mind. This is a horrible idea, he told himself. An awful plan with the potential to ruin it all. But the thought lingered and its tempting possibilies made his lips tingle with excitement. He hadn't realized he had wanted to do this until now, but if it would help James...

" Maybe I should touch you some more then", he whispered. His face was so close to James' now that their noses were almost touching. " Maybe", James agreed quietly, his eyes locked with Sirius'. Slowly, carefully they both leaned in until their lips met. It was different this time. The last time it had been rushed and frantic and full of blind relief. This time it was tender and gentle. Their lips and tongues moved in sync, exploring each others mouths, relishing into the now familiar taste and smell. " This is definitely helping", James whispered between kisses and Sirius smiled against his lips and started planting small kisses down his neckline, stopping occasionally to tease the sensitive skin of James' throat. He wasn't doubting his actions this time. This wasn't about crossing lines, this was about helping his best friend. He slowly unbuttoned James' shirt, kissing and licking down his belly. James made a small noise of pleasure.

Sirius hesitated as he reached James' waistline. He looked up at his best friend. James slowly opened his eyes and Sirius could see they were clouded with desire. " You don't have to", James mumbled hoarsly. Sirius held his glance. " Do you want me to?", he asked, his fingers drawing slow circles over James' erection he could feel through the thin cloth of his pants. James sucked in a deep breath. " Yeah..only if you don't mind." Did he mind? Sirius had never thought there'd come a moment when he wouldn't have objections to taking another man's cock into his mouth, but here it was. He didn't care, didn't care that it was probably very,very wrong because he was doing it for James, James who was looking at him with these dark,dark eyes.

He unbuttoned James' trousers and pulled them off his legs. Then he experimently kissed the tip of James' aroused cock trough the thin cotton of his boxers. He heard James sharply inhale and that noise sounded strangely erotical to him and it encouraged him to continue. Carefully, he took the tip of James' cock into his mouth...

After it was over, James smiled at him, the first real smile in weeks. " Thank you", he mumbled. " Anything for you", Sirius replied and it was true. They fell asleep on the coach together, James's head against Sirius' chest, his hand still curled around his best friend's neck.


	9. Weighing happiness

I guess it's time to state once and for all, I like Lily way to much to make her the bad girl in this story, so she's going to stick around and she's going to be a part of the whole James/Sirius dynamic. I am not changing canon, I am just twisting it and am filling in the gaps of what could have been. That, said, there's still going to be lots of James/Sirius love ahead;). So please don't lose faith in me and don't hate me too much for this chapter.

* * *

Sirius was climbing the seemlessly endless steps to the owlery, in his hand a long delayed letter to his cousin Tonks, the only relative he was still talking to. He had finally forced himself to send it. He didn't mind writing to Tonks, but he was anxious for the answer he would receive. He was asking her if there were any news on Regulus and his ambitions to join Voldemort. Rumors had been going around school, whispered in dark hallways, that Voldemort's fellows were increasing to alarming numbers and about the inner circle which members now called themselves Death Eaters.

Sirius had tried to ignore his worries, but this morning, as James and he had snuck back into the Gryffindor tower under the invisible cloak, they had overheard Dumbledore talking to McGonagall and the frown on Dumbledore's face was enough to prompt him to finally try and figure out the degree of involvement of his family.

At least things hadn't been all that arkward in the morning with James. His best friend had mumbled " Thanks again", blushed and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips, and after that they'd gone on like nothing had happened. Sirius was glad James didn't freak out and had decided he was just going to stop trying to analyse what exactly this thing was between them. Right now, he had other things on mind.

The dark haired boy had finally reached the owlery. He pushed the door open forcefully and immediatly froze. On the dirty ground sat Lily Evans. She was crying.

Sirius turned on the spot, trying to sneak away before Lily noticed him. He really didn't need to deal with her now. Not when he was so confused himself, not when his best friend had been miserable for weeks because of her, not when he had kissed him in the morning.

"Sirius". "Damn it", he cursed under his breath as he slowly turned around. Lily was looking at him, her red curls in a mess and her emerald eyes puffy from crying. " You don't have to leave on my account", she said, her voice still a little bit shaky.

And Sirius couldn't hate her, no matter how much he wanted to. Couldn't hate her because her eyes were so sad and there were still traces of tears on her cheeks. Couldn't hate her because when she was a mess like this, she for once wasn't standing on the pedestal everyone put her on. Because she looked human and vunerable and he suddenly had doubts she really knew what she was doing to James the way she treated him.

So instead of leaving, he sat down on the ground beside her. " What's going on?", he asked. " And this better not be about James, because if it is, I'm-" "It's not", she interrupted him. " It's...", she swallowed. "It's about my sister."

" Do you want to tell me?", Sirius asked cautiously. " Because I might not be the right person to talk about this, my brother hates my guts." A sad smile stole across her face. " Actually, this makes you the perfect person to talk about this with."

She sighed. " My sister's getting married.", she mumbled. "And she doesn't want me to be there."

" That really sucks.", Sirius replied concerned. " Do you know...why?" " Because I am who I am.", Lily responded. " I don't really understand."

" She hates me because I'm a witch. She was jealous, you know? When I got my letter and she didn't. And now...now she thinks I'm a freak.", Lily explained. Tears started to roll over her cheeks again and she wiped them away angrily.

Sirius was taken aback. Lily had always appeared carefree to him. And he was overwhelmed by the amount of sympathy he felt for her. They were far from close, it was just he could relate so much to what she was telling him.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I had no idea.", he said, gently stroking her arm in what he hoped was a comforting matter. "I'm just so mad at her. We had this entire day planned out since we were little kids. I was going to be her bridesmaid and she was going to be mine. And I have known for a long time it wasn't like that anymore, but I never thought it would come to that. That she could hate me enough to not want me there on the most important day of her life. That she couldn't forgive me for what I am, for something I can't change.", Lily confessed.

" I understand.", Sirius answered and he really did. There had been many nights when he had lain in bed, unable to fall asleep, wondering if Regulus would ever forgive him for being who he was. If he would ever talk to him again without loath in his voice and hate in his eyes that were so similar to his own.

" My brother hasn't said a word to me since I ran away. I had to get away from my parents, but I didn't realize I would lose him as well. I mean, I should have known. Reg had been distant all the time. It's just that until then, there were still these fleeting moments when he'd forget I was a Gryffindor and a blood traitor and he would just be my brother again. But after I left...never again. I wrote to him and tried to explain, I sought him out in school when he was alone but he wouldn't listen.", Sirius told her. She just nodded and wearily leaned her head against his shoulder. Sirius absently ran his fingers through Lily's long curls. For a moment, he could nearly see why James was still so upset about losing her.

" I still miss her.", Lily whispered after a while. " That's the worst part. No matter how much she despises me, how hard she's trying to push me out of her life, and how much I dislike who she's become, I still miss her so much."

Sirius pulled out a crinkled photograph out of his jeans pocket. "This is who I miss", he said. Lily looked at the photograph. Two little dark haired boys smiled back at her, grinning from cheek to cheek. The older boy, who was about 11, had his arm around the younger one, who seemed to lean against his brother. She handed the photograph back to Sirius. " I have one in my bedside drawer", was all she replied.

" I guess we are in the same place then", Sirius announced. " How do you deal with it?", Lily asked. " I talk to James.", Sirius answered without thinking. Whenever something went wrong, he knew he could count on James to make him feel better. And suddenly he realized this was the chance to make it up to his best friend once and for all, to thank him for everything he'd done for him in a much more decent way than giving him a blow job.

So he looked Lily in the eye. " Are you really sure about the break-up with James, Lily?" She shook her head. "Not anymore."

" Then what keeps you from talking to him and solving this thing?". " I...I guess I am just afraid to get hurt again. And James has moved on anyways, so it wouldn't even make any sense.", she confessed.

" And here I thought you were a smart girl, Lily", Sirius joked, but quickly became serious again. " Maybe you don't know his as well as you should. Or maybe you are just seeing what you want to believe. But James isn't over you and I am starting to doubt he'll ever be. And frankly, I have no idea how you could have believed he didn't love you enough in the first place."

Lily was silent for a while. Then she took a deep breath. " God, I really blew that, didn't I?" " Yeah", Sirius agreed wholeheartly.

" Do you think I can fix this?", Lily asked nervously. Sirius hesitated for a moment. Lily actually wanted to get back together with James. He knew this would change whatever was going on between him and James right now. He knew James wouldn't need him quite that way anymore when he had Lily back. But then he thought of James' desperate face as he found him last night and he knew what he had to do.

" Yes. Of course", he claimed and he believed it. " Thanks, Sirius. For all of this.", Lily said as she got to her feet. She hesitated and then bent down, hugging him close for a moment. Then she was gone, leaving Sirius with two very confusing conclusions. The first one was that he hadn't done this just for James, but also for a certain witch with red curly hair and sad eyes. The second one was that doing the right thing had never made him feel so alone before.


	10. Longing to taste it

It was the middle of the night and everyone was deep asleep, everyone but James Potter. He had been trashing and turning ever since he went to bed, tired to death, still unable to fall asleep because his mind just wouldn't shut up. He'd had a lot of sleepless nights lately. If this wasn't getting better soon, he might as well become insomniac.

He didn't even know what the problem was. Everything was great. Lily had finallly forgiven him and after some long conversations ( and some hot make-up sex) they had decided to give their relationship another try, and this time for the long run. He had known she was the one, had known it for years and it was a great relief to him that she had acknowledged she felt same about him.

There was just one little issue bothering him about their reunion. When he had asked Lily why she had changed her mind, she had smiled and said: "Sirius talked some sense into me". And although James should be happy to have a friend like Sirius, someone that would fix his relationship when he himself couldn't, a little nagging voice in the back of his head proudly proclaimed: " Sirius just never wanted you **that** way and you were stupid for even assuming it for a second."

And hadn't he? Wasn't that the real reason he lay awake? That he couldn't forget about. Sirius, about what they had done together. He wasn't seeing Sirius a lot lately, James spent most of his times with Lily and Sirius seemed to be avoiding him, always gone from their dormitory and the common room, seducing, kissing, fucking a different girl every week.

He wasn't even sure he didn't just imagine things. Didn't Sirius still talk to him as much as always? And hadn't his best friend seduced girls all the time, keeping him out late at night and gone until the morning? James looked over at Sirius' empty bed. Maybe he just started noticing these things now, going over them again and again in his head.

**Nothing was going to change.** That's what they had agreed on. They didn't plan on letting their encounters ruin their friendship and it had worked so far, hadn't it? Everything was back to normal. Nothing had changed- on the outside.

Because everything had changed, since the moment all those month ago when they had kissed for the first time. There was no coming back from that, not in James' mind anyways. Sometimes, when they were joking around and hanging out with the others, he could nearly pretend nothing happened between them, but other times, when they were alone, just talking, Sirius' arm lightly touching his and his dark eyes looking at him, he couldn't, couldn't forget he had kissed those lips and tasted that mouth.

It made him want to do stupid things, like running his fingers through Sirius' black,tempting hair, messing up the perfection of it or pulling him close to find out if he had really quit smoking or if he still tasted faintly of cigarettes.

But he couldn't, couldn't ever do any of these things if he didn't want to ruin their friendship and his new-found happiness with Lily. So nothing changed, just like he promised, but fuck, then why did everything suddenly feel so different?

If he could just stop thinking about it, maybe it would pass faster. The way it was right now, James felt addicted- addicted to a drug he was afraid to take because he feared it would destroy him.

The door opened with quiet scratching and James watched his best friend tip-toing into the room, quietly closing the door behind him. He heard Sirius rummaging in his trunk for a second and then he carefully walked over to James' bed. " Hey", he whispered. " Still awake?" " Yeah", James mumbled. " Okay. Wanna come outside with me?" James looked at the clock on his nightstand. 3:32 am. He'd be tired the next morning either way. Maybe some fresh air would help him clear his head. " Give me a second to put on some clothes.", James said. Sirius smiled and his teath gleamed in the dark. " I'll wait outside." And with that, he stole from the room, leaving James to ask himself if this was a good idea after all. Nevertheless he threw on jeans and a shirt and followed Sirius through the door.

Once they had left the dormitory, James asled Sirius: " Why do you want to go outside?". Sirius shrugged. " Fancy a smoke." James chuckled. " I thought you quit." " Well, I did...but sometimes I still crave it so much, I can't restrain myself. I don't really know what to compare it..." It's like being close to you, James thought, you and the way somehow every move you make looks sensual and dirty. But he didn't voice that. Instead, he just nodded and kept walking until they reached the top of the astronomy tower. James sucked in the cool night air, but even the chilly air smelled remotely like Sirius.

His best friend leaned against the balustrade, lighting a cigarette and inhaling a deep breath. He was unusually quiet. " I like being up here at night", he said after some time. "Just you and me, while the whole world is sleeping. Feels like we're the only people that matter right now, in this second. Because we're the only ones awake to see the stars." James smiled. Sirius rarely talked about the way he felt in such a quiet, nearly philosophical way but the night and lack of sleep sometimes brought out that side of him.

" There's no weed in that cigarette, right?", James asked, grinning. Sirius shook his head. " In that case, I like being up here with you,too." James swallowed. " Sometimes, I feel like you are the only one that matters anyways."

Sirius laughed softly. " Don't forget about Lily." " Never would.", James replied. He hesitated. " Why'd you do it?", he asked.

"Do what?", his best friend looked at him in confusion. " Why'd you talk to Lily and convinced her to take me back?"

" Because you need her, James. And I want you to be happy. Plus, I recently discovered she's a really great person.", Sirius responded. " But why'd you asked?" " No reason", James answered.

" Hey, can I have a drag?", he pointed at the cigarette in Sirius' hand. " Sure.", Sirius handed him the cigarette and James inhaled, tasting the tobacco. " I thought you don't like smoking.", Sirius inquired. " I don't normally", James replied. " But I feel like it tonight".

They stayed out until the morning dawned, just talking and laughing and back in bed, James fell asleep with the taste of Sirius on his tongue.


	11. Connected

I know it's been ages, but for a while I didn't think I could write this story anymore, I was lacking the kind of emotional connection I need for writing. But now I'm back and I hope you'll like it.

* * *

The light warm breeze was blowing strands of Sirius' dark hair in his eyes as he walked across the Hogwarts grounds towards the lake. Sirius smiled. He felt like he could already get the fainted taste of the approaching summer if only he breathed in enough of the warm afternoon air. The sun rays falling through the large library windows had been too alluring to stay inside any longer, even though their NEWTs were just around the corner, as both Lily and Remus constantly reminded him. But Sirius loved the sun, so even the joint scolding stares of two studios friends hadn't stopped him from leaving them between dust and old books. James had watched him with envy obvious on his face, but hadn't dared to follow him, as Lily had previously announced she would use a sticking charm on his pants to glue him to the library if he didn't start taking their NEWTs more seriously, and that by the way she hadn't practiced the counter charm yet. It had been enough of a threat to keep James inside for the moment, still Sirius was sure it was only a matter of time before his best friend would make up an excuse to follow him outside.

Right on cue Sirius heard someone yell his name. " Sirius, wait up!", James panted as he sprinted towards the raven-haired boy. "FREE AT LAST!", he exclaimed, still slightly breathless and grinning wildly as he fell in step with Sirius. Sirius laughed and looked at James in mock surprise. " Jamie, shouldn't you be inside studying with your fabulous red-head, or else were condemned to a fate of the stuck-to-a-chair- variety?"

James grinned even wider. " I managed to get into an argument with Madam Pince so she threw me out. Wasn't much Lily could do about that, right? Although she didn't look all that happy..but who cares for now? I escaped.", he explained proudly. Sirius nodded in agreement and slapped his best friend on the back approvingly. " Knew you'd come after me, mate". They kept walking until they reached their favorite tree. Then they settled down on the ground next to it. Sirius leant back against its trunk and closed his eyes, just enjoying the feel of the sun and the wind on his face. Eventually, James broke the comfortable silence.

"Did you figure out where you'll go from here?", he asked, his voice unusually serious. "After all, even though I like to pretend everyone is making way too much of a deal out of it, graduation IS right around the corner."

" I know", Sirius replied. " And of course I've been thinking. And I've definitely decided on applying for Auror training now.

James nodded. " Same for me. You know I never completely gave up on the idea of professional quidditch, but even though that'd be way cooler...with everything that's happened recently, I can't help but feel like we should go for something that will be useful...if it comes to..you know."

Sirius quietly agreed with his best friend. Lately a string of suspicious incidences clouded their rather carefree life, keeping them on alert. It wasn't anything tangible yet, but it was too much to be simply coincidental. There had been more crimes committed against muggleborns than normal, and more than often, the offenders weren't caught. Also, quite a few of the shops run by muggleborn owners in Diagon Alley had closed down after experiencing a very sudden and unexplainable decrease in customers. The most disconcerting however was that only half of that news actually appeared in the Daily Prophet, so they were left with constantly increasing rumours, whispered in the hall, mostly gathered from letters the students received.

One of that letters had been the one Sirius received from Andromeda. He had written to her to get some news about Regulus' involvement with the Death Eaters and what he heard had him frown more than once. Andromeda didn't know very much, since none of the Black family members talked to her anymore, but she still had a few pureblood friends that secretly passed information on to her. Apparently not only Regulus, but also Sirius' older cousin Bellatrix and her husband had joined the ranks of the Death eaters and ascended among them quickly. It seemed as if Voldemort had now gathered a larger group of followers than they had suspected. Sirius knew what kind of influence the old wizarding families still had over wizarding society and politics, as they had extensive access to both dark magic and money. It was gruesome to imagine all of that powerful assets in the hands of a fanatic like Voldemort and in the light of the recent events, he already seemed to use some of that power, though not openly yet.

Sirius was determined to not let this ideology take over and infest a broader population, but it was hard to do anything about it as it spread slowly and grew in the shadows.

" I can't believe no one has tried to put a stop to what's going on", he said angrily. " Talking about Voldemort?", James asked. " Yes and all these things his followers are obviously responsible for, the attacks on muggleborns and the Daily Prophet isn't even reporting it properly."

" I think the minister is just a coward. They haven't openly done anything that would turn the majority of people against them, and sadly, a lot of people believe in this racist bullshit. They won't disagree or do anything as long as they aren't personally concerned and the crimes committed aren't bad enough to get them out of their comfort zone."

" So that means all we can do is wait until it gets so bad people won't be able to ignore it anymore?", Sirius exclaimed angrily. " I really don't know why most people are such fucking stupid cowards. If anyone shouldn't be able to see something wrong with what's happening, it should be me. After all, I was raised to become a violent bigot. But I saw there was something wrong with that, I DID. And I sacrificed more for that than anyone of them would have to to do the right thing." Sirius threw his head back against the tree trunk with force. "This pisses me off!"

James had listened to his friend's outburst silently. Now he carefully placed his hand on Sirius' thigh, drawing small circles on it to calm him down. " I know, Sirius", he said. " I don't understand that either. But the sad truth just is that most people are blind to everything uncomfortable. They are egoistic and they are weak. And there's nothing we can do to change that. But..." James' voice became low and urgent, " ...That's what makes you different, and brave and a Gryffindor. That's what makes you my best friend."

" Thank you", Sirius whispered. He leaned into James' touch, enjoying the warmth of James' hand slowly seeping through his pants. Sirius tilted his head in James' direction, so close his head was almost, but not quite resting against James' shoulder, but close enough that he could smell his familiar scent. These were the moments Sirius treasured the most. When the sincerity of their connection rang in every small word and every motion. It was the kind of mutual understanding and intimacy that stripped every barrier away and made them so similar, so alike that they were united in every way possible, impossible to pry apart. It was a connection forged from complete and utter honesty with the other, from letting him in the darkest corner of your mind and to the bottom of your heart.

And that was when Sirius realized maybe he hadn't just consciously chosen the right side. Maybe he didn't have a choice since James became his best friend. Because he was the one thing Sirius had never and would never be able to turn his back on. And he remembered all those months ago, when James had offered to become a Death eater for him, to follow him into the dark if that was what he thought he had to do to save Regulus, that he felt the same way, and Sirius knew that nothing could ever break the bond between them.

He had no reason to be afraid of losing James. No matter how things with Lily turned out, James would always, always be by his side. And that was more than he could ask for. So he decided it was time to not only accept Lily, but to let her in the pack, so to speak. To support and protect her. For James. And a little bit because he genuinely liked her. And unfortunately there was a pretty big chance she was going to need all the protection she could get if Voldemort and his followers weren't stopped. She deserved to be aware of that as well.

" I think you should tell Lily.", he said finally. " Tell Lily what?", James asked confused. " Everything you and I and Remus have been talking about recently, about Voldemort and what we suspect is going on. She deserves to know, it will affect her more than any of us."

James sighed. " I know, I just don't want her to worry. She is so stressed out about final exams and everything."

"James, Lily knows something is off just as well as we do. She just probably has less access to any valuable information. I think she would want to know every detail to be prepared."

" Yeah, you are right. I'll talk to her tonight.", James promised. " We'll talk to her", Sirius corrected. " Since she'll stick around, it's time her and I finally start being serious with each other, too, I think." His best friend smiled.

" I agree". "And..", Sirius hesitated. He was doing this for real now, no matter how much a part of his heart protested. " I think we should reconsider living together after graduation. You know I'd love to, but with everything ahead...you should move in with Lily."

James looked at Sirius in awe. " When did you become so mature?", he asked hoarsely. Sirius shrugged. " Happens to everyone at some point." He got off the ground and offered a hand to James. " Let's get going, shall we?" James nodded and let Sirius pull him up. Then he looked into his eyes, still holding on to his hand. " This isn't going to change anything between us", he said, leaned over and quickly kissed Sirius on the cheek, his lips landing dangerously close to the edge of his mouth. "Never" , Sirius agreed shakily.

Together, they walked back to the castle to talk to Lily.


End file.
